Friday, 12 August 2011

National Service

London Riots. Two words. National Service.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Sunday, 16 May 2010

Tiger Bread

One of the great questions of life why is tiger bread called tiger bread? It looks nothing like a tiger. Tigers are characterised by their symmetrical faces and stripes.

"Son, I think it's time to tell you that you're adopted."

It looks more like a leopard.

"Things were hard for a teenage leopard back then... don't judge me too harshly son."

Friday, 19 March 2010

Ticket Touts

Once I had a whole bunch of Kylie tickets. I stuck them on eBay. I put no reserve on them, no ridiculous starting price (it started at 99p) and the postage and packaging was reasonable to cover my envelope, tape and Special Delivery costs.

Yeah I made a profit, but not through asking for a stupid 200% inflated price. Does that make it better? Well, I gave people the chance to offer their price for it. I posted the face value, and let the consumers bid as they will.

I fucking hate shitting ticket touts. They make me want to stick their nipples in my blunt pencil sharpener and jump on their backs. And I'm heavy. I may not look it, but I'm packing meat.

I didn't get tickets for Flight of the Conchords first time around, then when they announced an extra date at Wembley, I was ecstatic. I didn't manage to get tickets then, since they sold out within 2 minutes on Ticketmaster. Yet people had already posted them up on eBay for 600% mark-up.

Is it fair? Not at all. Especially when you really love an artist, and you'd do anything to see them. I have a friend who paid through the nose to see Lady GaGa, and the price they paid was ridiculous. For one ticket.

Gumtree is full of more fuckers who are tryna make more of a quick buck, some guy offered me a FoTC ticket - ONE TICKET - for £80. The face value is £32. I just wanted to go meet him and slap him upside the head for being such a dick.

You are DICKS. You ruin everything. You make people sad, you get them to overspend their money, and it leaves a bad feeling in the buyer's mouth. You just cunt around buying up all the tickets and then sell them back. Fucking capitalism.

Also London Underground said it fuels your drug habit.

Btw I didn't get a FoTC ticket in the end. I'm either not that rich; and not that foolish. It got me down, but I have their DVD.

There are worse things in the world.

Cyclists on Road

Next time you pull out through a red light when I'm crossing I'm gonna:

A: Pull out my crowbar (or my extra long foot) stick it in your back wheel, and watch you do somersaults over the handlebars into a pot hole. With your lack of helmet, I'm just gonna watch you kill your last two brain cells. If you even cut your eye at me, I'll kick you.

Or if you never did gymnastics as a kid, and you decide to turn without indicating:

B. I will fly back to the good ol' Motherland of US of A, get my goddamn NY state ID, go to the nearest gun shop, buy a shiny new piece, fly back over here, hunt you down, and pistol whip you to the soundtrack of 'Lady in Red' by Chris de Burgh. Don't watch, I got a boombox. I can make it happen.

Watch yourself.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

David Guetta

Go jump in a hole, please.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

90s Comedy

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

One of my favourites of all time:

Family Drama

Life's not a Bollywood movie and people having emotional reunions in a shopping centre in Kent is just weird.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Super Mario

Like, the best video in the world.

Red Pandas

Don't be fooled. The Red Panda's "cuteness" is simply a reflection of the human tendency to anthropomorphize animals. In reality, the Red Panda is a vicious omnivore, willing to eat (or try to eat) anything it can put into its mouth.



(Cheers to peppery for this.)