Tiger Bread

One of the great questions of life why is tiger bread called tiger bread? It looks nothing like a tiger. Tigers are characterised by their symmetrical faces and stripes.

"Son, I think it's time to tell you that you're adopted."


It looks more like a leopard.

"Things were hard for a teenage leopard back then... don't judge me too harshly son."

Ticket Touts

Once I had a whole bunch of Kylie tickets. I stuck them on eBay. I put no reserve on them, no ridiculous starting price (it started at 99p) and the postage and packaging was reasonable to cover my envelope, tape and Special Delivery costs.

Yeah I made a profit, but not through asking for a stupid 200% inflated price. Does that make it better? Well, I gave people the chance to offer their price for it. I posted the face value, and let the consumers bid as they will.

I fucking hate shitting ticket touts. They make me want to stick their nipples in my blunt pencil sharpener and jump on their backs. And I'm heavy. I may not look it, but I'm packing meat.

I didn't get tickets for Flight of the Conchords first time around, then when they announced an extra date at Wembley, I was ecstatic. I didn't manage to get tickets then, since they sold out within 2 minutes on Ticketmaster. Yet people had already posted them up on eBay for 600% mark-up.

Is it fair? Not at all. Especially when you really love an artist, and you'd do anything to see them. I have a friend who paid through the nose to see Lady GaGa, and the price they paid was ridiculous. For one ticket.

Gumtree is full of more fuckers who are tryna make more of a quick buck, some guy offered me a FoTC ticket - ONE TICKET - for £80. The face value is £32. I just wanted to go meet him and slap him upside the head for being such a dick.

You are DICKS. You ruin everything. You make people sad, you get them to overspend their money, and it leaves a bad feeling in the buyer's mouth. You just cunt around buying up all the tickets and then sell them back. Fucking capitalism.

Also London Underground said it fuels your drug habit.

Btw I didn't get a FoTC ticket in the end. I'm either not that rich; and not that foolish. It got me down, but I have their DVD.

There are worse things in the world.

Cyclists on Road

Next time you pull out through a red light when I'm crossing I'm gonna:

A: Pull out my crowbar (or my extra long foot) stick it in your back wheel, and watch you do somersaults over the handlebars into a pot hole. With your lack of helmet, I'm just gonna watch you kill your last two brain cells. If you even cut your eye at me, I'll kick you.

Or if you never did gymnastics as a kid, and you decide to turn without indicating:

B. I will fly back to the good ol' Motherland of US of A, get my goddamn NY state ID, go to the nearest gun shop, buy a shiny new piece, fly back over here, hunt you down, and pistol whip you to the soundtrack of 'Lady in Red' by Chris de Burgh. Don't watch, I got a boombox. I can make it happen.

Watch yourself.

David Guetta

Go jump in a hole, please.

90s Comedy

They just don't make 'em like they used to.

One of my favourites of all time:

Family Drama

Life's not a Bollywood movie and people having emotional reunions in a shopping centre in Kent is just weird.

Super Mario

Like, the best video in the world.

Red Pandas

Don't be fooled. The Red Panda's "cuteness" is simply a reflection of the human tendency to anthropomorphize animals. In reality, the Red Panda is a vicious omnivore, willing to eat (or try to eat) anything it can put into its mouth.

FUCK YEAH, IT'S CUTE AND IT'LL EAT YOU!!!!

via: FUCK YEAH, RED PANDAS!

(Cheers to peppery for this.)

Gay Fish

FUNNY TO ME WHEN FASHION BLOGGERS DOWN OUR OUFITS AND THEN SUPER JOCK OUTLANDISH sh*t ON THE RUNWAY BUT THEN THEY DRESS MAD PRUDE AND DON’T LIVE FASHION. WE LIVE IT MAN. F*CK THAT, WE LIVE IT!!! WE LIVE IT SO HARD PEOPLE LIVE THROUGH US! WE REPRESENT YOUR INNER SPIRIT!! THE CHILD IN US ALL, THE BRUTAL HONESTY, THE NAIVETY, THE BRAVE WARRIOR, THE ADRENALINE THAT ALLOWS A MOTHER TO LIFT A CAR IF HER CHILD WAS TRAPPED UNDER IT! REMEMBER, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN EVERYBODY DISSED MICHAEL JACKSON EVERY CHANCE THEY COULD. IMAGINE THE PRESSURE OF BEING A TRUE ICON. VERY FEW HUMAN BEINGS ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO TAKE CONSTANT HATE!!! IF WE DON’T DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS THE SH*T, YOU BEAT US UP VERBALLY AND MENTALLY, LIKE A CATHOLIC SCHOOL TEACHER BEATING A CREATIVE STUDENT INTO SUBMISSION. I CAN HEAR YOU SCREAMING ‘COLOR INSIDE THE LINES!!!’

I can't even remember why he's famous anymore. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

via: The Cut

JD Salinger

When I wrote on my Facebook status 'RIP JD Salinger' - one of my friends wrote:

"He was a fucking crackpot anyway."

Does that mean we shouldn't mourn him?

Salinger is odd. So are his stories. They're supposed to make you feel uneasy. And that's why I like his writing. People always sneer when people expound (expund?) on Holden Caulfield, and tch'ed when Jake Gyllenhaal's character in "The Good Girl" called himself Holden. He's living his DREAM - the dream of being a slightly unhinged literary metaphor.

"You just like it cos everyone else does."

Well compadres, there's a reason a lot of people like one same thing, because it's kind of top notch. Although if I liked something just because everyone else did, I'd be a fan of Morrissey and taking horse tranquiliser. Just saying.

I'm not sure what I'm talking about. It is 4.32am. I fell asleep during CSI: LV - because I hadn't seen Grissom doing some dissection to The Who in AGEEES, and also my TV in my room only has 5 channels. Anyway I failed and fell asleep, woke up at 12.30am and couldn't sleep. Then I received an email from a guy whose tenacity has to be admired. The amount of times I've told him I've had a boyfriend (ok once) - I'll rephrase.

I am obviously not interested, and yet he continues to... hound, would be too strong. It's too pitiful for that. Dogged determination. Does he not know any other girls?

Word of note - Wikipedia quotes are not the way to get into a girl's pants. Just saying.

Anyway - point to this post is - I want to read JD Salinger's short stories in the New Yorker, and I'm pissed I can't because I don't have a subscription.

Good night.

US Firms

Now a US firm has come up with an ingenious solution to this very real problem – a new item of punctuation.

The SarcMark, as it has been named, is designed to be used in the same way as an exclamation or question mark.

Anyone concerned that the irony of their email or text message might not be appreciated by its recipient can use the symbol to close their sentence, thereby avoiding awkward misunderstandings.

The symbol – a dot inside a single spiral line – can be installed onto any PC running Windows 7, XP or Vista, as well as Macs and Blackberry mobile devices.

It can then be used in Word documents, instant messenger conversations, Outlook email and other programmes, just by pressing Ctrl and the full stop button.

The Michigan company behind the SarcMark have applied for a patent to protection their invention.

They have even published a sample list of sentences that would benefit from a SarcMark, including the words of British woman who was awarded only half of her National Lottery jackpot by a court after the winning ticket fell from her pocket and was claimed by someone else.

It appears that the irony of her statement – "It's jolly decent of them to let me have a half share of my win" – was lost on some readers.

Paul Sak of the firm said that the new punctuation mark was not a gimmick and had serious potential applications, such as allowing deaf people to pick up sarcasm in subtitles.

The symbol currently costs $1.99 to download – a price that many may think deserves a SarcMark of its own.

TWO WORDS: DUMB AMERICANS.

via: Telegraph

Mock Celebs

I work at Wallpaper and the other day they had their design awards. There were a lot of mock slebs asking me if I knew who they were.

No.

I did meet Jessica Brinton however, and she was lovely. I read her column every week, and I was excited to meet her. Not some guy who dyes his hair grey to be hip.

Half Polskis

Not all that bad, I've found.